Chuck Norris Facts.
Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 1:57 pm
Here are a few facts about one of Cinema's greatest heroes - Chuck Norris:
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you
in the face.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied,
"That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good
Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her
throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't f*** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he
realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone
within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all
three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the
referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child.
Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and
then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure
more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he kicks himself in the face. The only
thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply
beat the living daylights out of everything thrown at him, and the
game forfeited.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
Chuck Norris once at three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris once shot German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He
came back a few minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later, it was fully cooked and came
with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he
gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you
in the face.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied,
"That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good
Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her
throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't f*** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he
realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone
within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all
three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the
referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child.
Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and
then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure
more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he kicks himself in the face. The only
thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply
beat the living daylights out of everything thrown at him, and the
game forfeited.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
Chuck Norris once at three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris once shot German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He
came back a few minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later, it was fully cooked and came
with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he
gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
