Forty Things Sarah Is No Longer Allowed To Do

[Space Toaster]

A parody of the list 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The US Army. I wrote this while I was in high school a few years ago, so I just added to and edited it and here it is.

Forty Things Sarah Is No Longer Allowed To Do

1: Not allowed to chase people around on the first day of spring with flower necklaces yelling at them to “Get lei’d!”

2. Not allowed to scream “We’re all gonna die!” during a fire drill

3. Not allowed to try to spit on people from the top of the bleachers during pep rallies

4. ‘I was abducted by unicorns and I had to fight them off or they would take my kidneys’ is not a good reason to be tardy

5. Not allowed to tell the freshmen they are required to give seniors backrubs

6. Not allowed to shout “Get thee out, Satan!” at anyone who offends me

7. Not allowed to crawl under the cafeteria tables and tie people’s shoelaces together

8. Not allowed to start an Aristocrat Club and walk around with a bag over my head and a live rat on a stick

9. Not allowed to do a victory dance on my desk when I get an A on something

10. I am not ‘The Blue Raja’, so I will not throw forks at my classmates

11. Not allowed to come to school dressed like a pirate and claim to be a time traveler

12. When the teacher asks if we have any questions, I will not raise my hand and ask “Where do babies come from?”

13. Not allowed to answer every question in French class with ‘Omelette du fromage’

14. Not allowed to ask people what the word is and proceed to sing ‘Surfin’ Bird’ if they don’t know

15. Not allowed to stare at someone and will them to burst into flames if I am angry with them

16. Not allowed to hug taller people and ask in a high-pitched voice “Are you my mommy?”

17. Not allowed to fake amnesia when I am caught doing any of the things on this list

18. If I am caught in possession of a slingshot, ukulele, pellet gun, crazy glue, Village People album, magic wand, eggbeater, moon boots, kazoo, leaf blower, glowstick, silly string, welding torch, rabid poodle, tack hammer, rubber chicken, Sharpie marker, one of the Village People, toilet paper, or ‘The Warriors’ DVD, they will be confiscated

19. Not allowed to claim my college major will be ‘Ass-Whooping with a minor in Volcano Worship’

20. Not allowed to tuck in any students who fall asleep in class

21. Not allowed to use my classmates as human shields when playing dodge ball

22. Not allowed to sing ‘Hit Me With Your Best Shot’ while playing dodge ball

23. Not allowed to come to school with a watermelon under my shirt and claim to be pregnant

24. Not allowed to chase people around pretending to be the ghost of John Gatsby

25. Not allowed to write “REDRUM” on the bathroom mirrors

26. Not allowed to blame my wrongdoings on my imaginary friend

27. Not allowed to answer a question about a student’s whereabouts with “He died.”

28: Not allowed to sock-surf in the locker room and encourage my classmates to join in

29. Not allowed to perform exorcisms on the guidos

30. Not allowed to hijack the intercom and re-enact that scene from Shawshank Redemption

31. Not allowed to run for class president as an excuse to impersonate Teddy Roosevelt

32. Not allowed to initiate a jousting tournament with hockey sticks and computer chairs

33. Not allowed to build a fort out of the textbooks

34. Not allowed to use the library for playing hide-and-seek

35. Not allowed to start a light switch rave when the teacher asks me to turn off the lights

36. Not allowed to come to school wearing a fake mustache and claiming to be my evil twin

37. Not allowed to yell ‘SEX!’ to get everyone’s attention

38. Not allowed to spontaneously break into a carefully choreographed song and dance with my classmates

39. Not allowed to play Pokemon Blue on my Gameboy Color in class and shout expletives at my Vulpix

40. Not allowed to tell freshmen our school motto is “Don’t spit on my cupcake and tell me it’s frosting"

[union_jack]

haha thats well funny. i know a certain somebody who needs to abide by rule 14.. thats getting so old  ::)