Baby Bear: You did a great job with that story, and you eliminated a lot of the mistakes I noticed in your first round entry. The concept was great, the execution was excellent, and I have no problems from a story point of view. I'd like to point out a few things you could improve though.
That's from the second part. Notice how you started off three sentences in a row with the word "he"? Read it out loud. Sounds awkward, doesn't it? Now try this:He threw water on his face. He stared into the mirror. He gave thought about how this mission was going to go.
Doesn't that flow much nicer?He threw water on his face and stared into the mirror, thinking about how this mission was going to go.
Also, this is just one example of something I noticed a lot in that story, and some of your other work too.
You're splitting one sentence into two for no good reason. It should be "He took a look at the blade and jabbed it in the back of Titan's head, killing him instantly." Comma, not new sentence.He took a look at the blade and jabbed it in the back of Titans head. Killing him instantly.
Other than that, great story.
Ajax88: Damn man, that's a powerful story right there. If there's one thing I have to point out, it's that you tend to do the opposite of what Baby Bear does. He turns one sentence into two, whereas you turn two sentences into one.
Example:
Should be:The city of New York was caught in a raging thunderstorm, most of the citizens had retreated indoors to escape the torrential downpour. A man came sprinting out of an alleyway, he wore a denim vest over a dark t-shirt and a pair of denim jeans. His heart was racing as he ran through the dark alleyways, he glanced behind himself and saw seven or eight figures running after him. He quickly turned left down a small alley trying to lose his pursuers, after running another hundred feet he looked behind himself again, his pursuers were still there.
See how adding a few transition words (and, but, etc) and breaking off some sentences makes it much cleaner to read? That's about the only criticism of yours I have. It was an excellent, excellent story.The city of New York was caught in a raging thunderstorm, and most of the citizens had retreated indoors to escape the torrential downpour. A man came sprinting out of an alleyway. He wore a denim vest over a dark t-shirt and a pair of denim jeans. His heart was racing as he ran through the dark alleyways. He glanced behind himself and saw seven or eight figures running after him. He quickly turned left down a small alley, trying to lose his pursuers. After running another hundred feet he looked behind himself again, but his pursuers were still there.
The Jewish Juggernaut: That was awesome. I have checked it for grammar and see nothing wrong. I have checked it for spelling and see nothing wrong. The premise was great. The way you portrayed the mind of a fanatic was great, with him rationalizing everything. The whole story was just generally great.
JUDGING
If judging the semifinal was this hard, I don't even want to think about how hard the final will be. It took me literally hours of reading and rereading to make this decision.The two finalists are: The Jewish Juggernaut and Ajax88.
Baby Bear, for the love of everything you may or may not consider holy, don't be discouraged. This was a clash of titans, and saying you lost because you're a bad writer would be stupid as hell. Two great writers had to win out of three great writers, and in the end, I couldn't decide based on the individual merits of your story and your craft, so I had to go right down to the basics of spelling, grammar, and things like that in order to come to a definitive winner. I wish I could put all three of you through because you all deserve it, but I had to make a decision, and it was a hard one. Feel free to put "I was a semifinalist in GramercyRiff99's Fan Fiction Contest" into your sig somehow, whether you want to make a sig or put it in as text or whatever, cause you deserve recognition.
To the other two, expect the finals to be up this weekend sometime. I'm giving you a day or two to chill out between now and then.
Congrats to everyone involved in this, winner or not.
