Subway Fever
A warped-version of Cabin Fever by Space Toaster
(The Warriors are all sitting on the train. The doors are open and the train isn’t moving)A warped-version of Cabin Fever by Space Toaster
Vermin: How much longer we gotta wait? We might be here forever…I’m SICK of waiting for trains!
Swan: Vermin, sit down and shut up.
Vermin: Okay, okay…
(Suddenly they all hear footsteps, getting closer and closer. They soon get so loud that they seem to echo on the platform. The Warriors exchange nervous glances, Rembrandt suddenly jumps up and starts flailing his arms)
Rembrandt: I’ve got subway fever!
Swan: What the hell-
(Ajax jumps up and flails as well)
Ajax: I have it too!
(Salsa music starts playing, Mercy and Swan look at each other bewildered while Rembrandt starts singing)
Rembrandt: I got subway fever it's burning in my brain!
Fox: (Swinging on the subway handle-things)
I've got subway fever it's driving me insane!
Cochise and Snowball: We got subway fever, we're flipping our bandanas,
Been stuck on the train so long we’ve simply gone bananas!
(All of a sudden, Cochise and Snowball are dressed like Carmen Miranda, ruffly skirts, heels, maracas, fruit hats and all)
Cochise: Ariba!
Chica chica boom
A chica chica boom boom chic!
Chica chica boom
A chica chica boom boom chic!
(He shimmies while Vermin runs by with Snow on his shoulders)
Together: We got subway fever we've lost what sense we had!
We got subway fever, we're all going mad!
(Cowboy jumps onto the seats, wearing chaps over his jeans and playing a fiddle. All except Swan and Mercy start square dancing and doing whatever Cowboy sings)
Cowboy: Grab your partner by the ears,
Lash him to the pole!
Do-si-do step on his toe,
And listen to him squeal!
Allemande left, allemande right,
There’s no turning back!
Fling your partner out the side,
And drop him on the tracks! (Fox: That's not funny!)
YEEHAW! (He jumps up and clicks his heels together)
(Ajax and Fox are sitting between Swan and Mercy, dressed in cocktail dresses and hats, daintily holding tea cups)
Ajax: (In a snooty British accent)
We got subway fever.
Fox: No if's, and's, or but's!
Ajax: We're disoriented!
Fox: And demented!
Together: And a little nuts! (They slug back their tea and smash the cups on the floor)
(Snow pops up dressed in liederhosen and starts belting in a surprisingly good German accent)
Snow: Ach du lieber Volkswagen car!
Cowboy: Yodel-lay-ee-hoo!
Snow: Saur braten wiener schnitzel
Und a wunderbar!
(Swan and Mercy exchange glances)
Swan: (reluctantly) We were all commuting, the train was on our side!
Mercy: And then it died!
(Rembrandt is dressed like a mariachi, holding a trumpet)
Rembrandt: I've got subway fever,
I think I've lost my grip!
Ajax: (now scowling in his dress)
I'd like to get my hands on whoever wrote this script!
Rembrandt: Si!
(Vermin nances by dressed in a coconut bra, grass skirt while strumming a ukulele and singing surprisingly good falsetto)
Vermin: I-I-I-I was riding on a subway train!
Dreaming of going home again,
And now I’ve shorted out my brain!
(The demented Warriors link arms and dance in a kick line on the seats)
Together: Subway fever has ravaged all aboard!
This graffiti’d train has turned into a rail bound psycho ward!
We were all commuting, headed who knows where!
And now though we're all here….
We're not all there!
(The train explodes into pure cacophony and chaos for half a minute. Fox pole-dances, Cowboy does cartwheels, Snow shakes his maracas, Cochise jumps on Ajax for a piggyback ride, Rembrandt sprays paint all over the car, Vermin breaks his ukulele over Fox’s head, Swan just stands there staring, while Mercy shimmies before the music stops)
All Together: Subway fever!
YEAH!
(Just then, the Warriors snap out of it. The cops who were approaching before are backing away from the train very, very slowly.)
Cop: Uh, you know what? You guys are all right. You, uh…just remain calm, and…don’t hurt yourselves.
(The subway cars then slid closed and start leaving the station. Vermin looks down at his outfit)
Vermin: Hey wait, I gotta ask a question…why the hell am I wearing this?
Mercy: I have a question too, what are you guys ON?
Ajax: Oh shut up. When we get back to Coney I have a fat chick with a computer to beat up.
(Toaster’s voice can be heard in the distance somehow)
Toaster: I’m not fat, I’m big-boned!
(Everyone in the train looks at each other)
Everyone: (in unison) How DOES she DO that?!
