Fan Fiction Competition Round 1: Warriorfan54321 vs. The Jew

[Anonymous]

Alright guys, using my random dice rolling algorithm, I have matched up the two of you to be competing in this first round. You know the rules from the other thread, but all you need now is a theme! For this first round, I have decided to make the themes the names of Bruce Springsteen songs. Remember, you can handle these themes HOWEVER YOU WANT. If you want to interpret them literally, go ahead. If you want to do something creative with them, you're also welcome to. Just note that I'm just using the title of the songs because they're strangely appropriate, you don't even have to listen to them. Just use the title to think up a story set in the Warriors universe. You also don't have to use the theme as the title of the story, so if you want to come up with a creative title, feel free to do so.

Without further adieu, your theme is... "Darkness on the edge of town". Handle it however you like, and then post it in here when you're done.

The deadline is approximately one week from now, that being TWELVE NOON EASTERN STANDARD TIME (5 PM GMT, 9 AM PST) on June 24th. Note that you are encouraged to submit your entries before this, especially seeing as how it's in the middle of the day. I did this to avoid the obligatory "Do you mean 11:59 on the 23rd or 11:59 on the 24h or what?" questions that always pop up. If both people submit their entries before the deadline, I'll probably end up just judging them at that time, rather than having to judge six fics in one day later.

Good luck, competitors! I'm sure that, regardless of who wins and loses, I'll have some good reads ahead of me. Now to cut and paste this to the other threads...

EDIT: I forgot to mention, feel free to comment on the stories in here even if you aren't a competitor. There's no such thing as too much feedback, after all.

[GramercyRiff99]

*Darth Vader voice* I find the lack of any activity in this thread... disturbing.

[nazzac]

i do too. If you want to be in this contest. you have to post your storys, and the deadline is on Tuesday.
And Gr99. Wht will happen if it stays empty.

[GramercyRiff99]

i do too. If you want to be in this contest. you have to post your storys, and the deadline is on Tuesday.
And Gr99. Wht will happen if it stays empty.

Flames shall leap from the heavens as the wrath of GramercyRiff99 descends upon the two competitors, smiting them from the face of the earth.

Seriously though, everyone looks in their direction with disdain and the two other winners go head to head for the championship.

[The Jewish Juggernaut]

You guys chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill. I just got through my first year in highschool and I had finals all week. So, that is why i haven't posted mine. Also as you said, the deadline is tuesday, and there are four days left, so don't worry.

[GramercyRiff99]

You guys chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill. I just got through my first year in highschool and I had finals all week. So, that is why i haven't posted mine. Also as you said, the deadline is tuesday, and there are four days left, so don't worry.

Oh, I was chill. I was just concerned about the fact that the other threads were very active and this one wasn't. Good to see you're still in.

Also, congrats on getting through your first year. I'm going into my last one after this summer.

[Warriorfan54321]

The Radio Broadcast

1979 The Bowery


The streets were dark, reflections of the street light shining off the puddles in the gutter. The echoes of footsteps went through the whole streets of The Bowery. These footsteps were made of none other than the gang who made The Bowery their territory, The Punks.
The Punks wore overalls either red and green or yellow and black, one of The Punks rolled around on rollerskates scratching against the sidewalks again the sound echoed through the street.
Earlier that night this same group of men had a meeting in Gramercy the host of this meeting was shot and the police had arrested many gang members. The man on skates went down a ramp and the others went down the steps again the only sound heard were their footsteps. The Punks went through a door and the group was greeted by the rest of the gang each one wating to know how the night had gone.
"So...how did the meeting go Vance?" Asked a man with long out of control hair.
"....Cyrus...he told everyone how we should all stick together and rise up against the police keep a truce and take them down." Vance replied with strength and agreement in his voice the people of The Bowery knew how The Pun ks did not agree with the police.
"Good for him...did the gangs agree." Asked Travis again hoping for a yes
"I thought they did...until some sick b*****d shot him." Vance answered now with anger in his voice insted. "Somebody Shot him...I say we find thri a** and knife each and every one of them whoever they are" Vance said again with more loathing in his voice he had true hate inside of him for whoever did it if somebody told him a Punk did it he would probably kill the one who did it with his own hands and they were all friends in the hangut and yet Vance seemed determined for a result.
Vance kicked away his skates and sat down at an old barstool he got a drink from an old rusty bar that was left in the hideout by whoever used to own it and poured himself a drink.
Many of The Punks followed and each got themselves a drink it was how they would calm themselves down Vance was usually there all the time when he got back angry or not he'd get a drink.
"Rob turn on the radio I wanna hear if they know which son of a b***h did it." Vance ordered as Rob did what he was told
The Punks were greeted by the usual DJ voice which they all knew and loved with the usual greeting of "Alright Boppers..."
The Punks listened as usual Vance more than anyone else.
"...I've been asked to relay a request from the Gramercy Riffs...It's a special for The Warriors...that's that real live bunch from Coney..and I do mean The Warriors....here's a hit with them in mind.."
The Song Nowhere To Run To came on as Vance took another sip from his beer bottle then rose up frm the seat.
"Those sick b******s....boys....grab anything you can...were gonna find them warriors....and when we do....were gonna kill em" Vance said while looking at his pocketknife in his hand
"...all of them." Said Travis holding a bat in his hands.
The song ended as all The Punks were gathering weapons.
"...Be looking good Warriors...all the way back to Coney ya hear me babies?....Good...real good Adios."


It might be a little short but I had that in my head for part of a story for a while

[The Jewish Juggernaut]

The Soldier and the Sermon

1979- Hell’s Kitchen

GONG
GONG
GONG
As the church bell rang, the streets were emptied in Hell’s Kitchen. Windows were closed, doors were locked, stores closed. They knew the routine; When the Church bell rings, Josiah’s Army marches.

His words hypnotize all around him, and George is no exception. He could convince a Nazi and a Jew to hug, or Klansmen and a Black Panther shake hands with respect one another. He was the Great Convincer and he was brought to this Earth to cleanse it of evil and unite man under his Flag. “There is a great evil coming here. From the edges of this haven for good we know as Hell’s Kitchen, this great evil lingers. It is slowing creeping, crawling, waiting like the Great Beast. You, my children, are the army of God and you will cleanse the world of this evil. They say they are The Hellfires, well I have seen God, and wrestled Demons. No recruit in MY army fears Hell, for they know they are the righteous hand of God. They may have the fire of the Devil, but we have the fury of God, and GOD SHOWS NO MERCY! So go my children, and fight for a new world. A world of God, but most importantly....ME!

These words were all that George H. Ramos could think of. Divine Fury. He thought none of his real family. The poor Puerto Rican family that he came to New York with. None of the people he was preparing to kill. He did not even think of himself. He was a faceless member of the Righteous Hand of God. All he thought of was those words and Father Josiah.

As the Army marched, stragglers could be seen running into alley ways or into abandoned buildings as they saw the Battle Standard flying in the air. A combat boot crushing a skull into the mud with the words Josiah’s Army decorate the Standard. Only the most honored and veteran officers in the Army have the right to carry the standard into battle. The rest carry lead pipes, switchblades, and their fists. George was carrying a lead pipe in his hands, and his blade in his pocket.

As they approached the edge of their turf, on 8th Avenue, George noticed Satanic graffiti appearing more and more often. He knew these heathens would be spawning in this area. The grip on his pipe grew tight. They turned onto West 34th Street and came upon a horde of Hellfires. The marching stopped. There would be no offer of surrender. These were the eternal enemy and no mercy would be given, and none would be received. Their commander, General Zak, yelled a battle cry “IN JOSIAH WE TRUST!” With that the two sides charged at one another. Good versus evil. God versus Satan. Josiah’s Army vs. The Hellfires.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
P.S. I forgot to ask, so I hope it is okay with Luther828 that I used his gang the Hellfires. I guess I just thought it was okay since he used mine in his fan fic, and I didn’t really make any real mention of them. To someone who didn’t read his fan fic they just seem to be a faceless, Satanic Gang. Once again sorry Luther.

[Luther828]

Yeah, it's fine. I'd be a right idiot not to let you after you let me use yours.

And, well done on making them a very Satanic gang, you were right in thinking they were.
But, i'm not a Satan worshipper or nothin like that. Just in case people thought I was

P.S: Very good little story. If you have time for a next chapter I can't wait to see it! I really like the way you make Josiah talk. And, just like you, make sure my gang seems very evil. They are devil worshippers and Lucifer is very crazy, even more so than his brother.
Good luck to both of u!

[GramercyRiff99]

Alright, we've got two short entries here. That's a change from the usual, but good in a way too. They say that your writing skills really come across when trying to fit a whole story into a small limit. Even though you guys had no limit, you chose to do that, and that's an interesting way of doing things.

THE CRITIQUE

Warriorfan54321:  As anyone who was watching the shoutbox around 3:00 today would have noticed, I had a bit of trouble finding where exactly the theme was in your story. Turned out in the end that you were referring to the meeting, seeing as how it's both the edge of town and a very dark time. This wasn't a bad thing; in fact, I like subtlety.

Your descriptions are light, but that makes sense in something as short as this, so it's not much of a handicap. I really liked the first line in particular, the way you emphasized how dark it was, as though the death of Cyrus has put a damper on the whole city. It really fits the theme.

You should probably proof-read your writing more. In particular, you have a problem with run-on sentences and missing punctuation. A technique I use is to read the sentence out loud. If it sounds strange, or too long, look through it to make sure there's no way of breaking it up. There are several instances in your story where you literally have two sentences in one. At the same time, you change tenses sometimes in the middle of a sentence, which can make things confusing to read.

For example:

"The Punks wore overalls either red and green or yellow and black, one of The Punks rolled around on rollerskates scratching against the sidewalks again the sound echoed through the street."

vs.

"The Punks wore overalls, either red and green or yellow and black. One of the Punks rolled around on rollerskates that scratched against the sidewalks, the sound echoing through the streets."

See how the punctuation and tense changes helped that flow? It just makes things easier on the eyes and less confusing. As for your dialogue, I have no complaints. The way that you have the Punks speak is exactly how I'd expect to hear them in real life. On that note, I found the lack of violence refreshing. It's rare to see a story that doesn't have any fighting in it. While certainly, given how a violent movie is the basis for these stories, it's usually a good thing to have fighting, it's nice to see someone pull off a good story without cracking any heads along the way.

The Jewish Juggernaut: Wow. That is seriously all I can say... well, no I can say more, but that's what I thought for a few minutes after reading your story. That was nothing short of amazing. The way you started it, with the motif of the church bells. The rousing speech by George. The final statement, comparing the war between the Army and the Hellfires to the army of God vs. the demons of hell. I would give you negative criticism but other than the occasional spelling or grammar error I can't see anything I don't like. I know this is a short critique, but I don't think you really need a long one, to be honest.

The Judging

This one was tough at first because I liked both stories, but once I managed to get past that and look at the core of the issue, that being who is the better writer, I made a decision.

Drumroll please!

*drumroll*

The winner is... THE JEWISH JUGGERNAUT.

Warriorfan, you did a great job with your fic, but... well, you could probably see from my critique of TJJ that I was more impressed by his. Don't take that as an insult to your writing, it was just a simple case of good vs. really good.

As with the previous thread, Warriorfan, feel free to add "I was a first round competitor in GramercyRiff99's Fan Fiction Contest" to your sig, formatted however you like. Jewish Juggernaut, you're through to the next round.

[Warriorfan54321]

oh heck yeah I agree with you man I read Jewish Juggernauts and thought...wow he's good
Congratulations JewishJuggernaut hope you do good in the next round

[The Jewish Juggernaut]

Wow... I am in shock.  Thank you, and your fan fic was really good as well Warriorfan. I was afraid i wouldn't get it in on time, so i guess i forgot to mention that the person speaking the sermon was Josiah not George. Hopefully i can continue this story in the next round.